Rules of the Workplace
by SageK
Summary: Not long after waking up in 2011, Steve finds a strange list left on the bureau in his room.


The future was very confusing. Everyone was always rushing around, intense and focused, but in a different way than he was used to during the war, chattering into their tiny phones and generally making them feel uneasy. Steve much preferred the quiet solitude of the basement gym. There was a better appointed 'workout facility' on one of the upper levels, but that maze of mirrors and gleaming metal and machines he had no clue how to use.

Most of the time, people seemed all right with letting him adjusted his own speed. Sure, he was given books to read, condensed briefings on the decades he'd missed sleeping in the ice, but in general, no one was too pushy. Of course, he'd only been awake for about two weeks. As time went on, he supposed they might require him to interact more with the outside world.

Maybe that wouldn't be so bad. As much as the people here unnerved him, he missed Peggy and Bucky and Howard and the other Howling Commandos… He felt so alone, but he was unsure how to connect with these people who seemed almost alien to him.

Nodding to the apparently mute agent who always seemed to be around to escort him to and from the gym, Steve reentered his room and looked around. The bed was neatly made, as he left it, and books were spread across the table, where he'd left them last night when he'd been unable to continue reading. Not that he'd been overly fatigued, but there was just so much….

A paper left on his nightstand caught his attention. It hadn't been there when he'd left. Crossing the room, he reached out and lifted the paper, peering down at the neatly typed text.

**Rules& Interesting Info That Will Help You Survive S.H.I.E.L.D**.

Do not refer to Fury as Ol' One Eye, Colonel Tigh, Dad, Shaft….

Do not call Bruce the Jolly Green Giant.

Public nudity is frowned upon by the uptight establishment.

Gum has been banned from the premises since…the incident.

Cleaning your weapon in the conference room is acceptable. "Cleaning your weapon" in the conference room is not.

Using Government vehicles to take a quick jaunt to Thailand…they don't like that.

Do not fill Fury's office with snakes. It's funny as hell, but he makes you pay and pay and pay….

Do not sneak up behind Bruce and say "Boo!". This also applies to Natasha. And Clint. And Fury…You know what, don't sneak up behind people.

Do not press random buttons in the labs.

Do not hide used, half filled coffee mugs around the building to see how long it takes the cleaning staff to find them.

Do not store experiments in the break room fridge.

If something makes you giggle for more than 30 seconds…It'll probably piss Fury off.

Do not change the ringtones and contact info on anyone's cell phone other than your own.

Do not make fake Twitter accounts for anyone at S.H.I.E.L.D.

Do not rig the computers to play the Shaft theme song when Fury enters a room.

Do not rig the computers to play the S.W.A.T. theme song when Clint enters a room.

Do not rig the computers to play What Goes Around, Comes Around when Natasha enters a room.

Do not rig the computers to play Viking Death Metal when Thor enters a room.

Do not rig the computers to play Secret Agent Man when Coulson enters a room.

Do not rig the computers to play the Jolly Green Giant theme song when Bruce enters a room.

Do not suggest Clint modify his uniform to include green tights.

Idiots with rank think they are in charge. Sometimes it's easiest to allow them their illusions.

If someone claims to have superpowers…they might, so be warned.

Not allowed to give public lab equipment names.

Do not greet alien dignitaries by saying, "We welcome you, our new, benevolent overlords."

No matter how brilliant your idea, Fury likes to pretend not to listen.

If more than 3 people complain that you're using psychological warfare against them, just by being yourself, Fury calls you to his office for a chat. And by chat I mean he screams a lot.

Do not call Coulson mom.

No one who works here is old enough to have served in WWII, so don't imply it.

A Glenlivet IV is frowned upon, even if it technically doesn't violate the 'No Drinking While On Duty' rule.

No pants Friday is not a real thing.

Do not berate the minions. They are all heavily armed and have bad attitudes.

Teambuilding exercises are very bad idea.

Do not touch Thor's hammer.

You now live in a fucking comic book.

Be sure to buckle up when driving with Natasha or Clint. If you let Thor drive, report to medical to have your head examined.

NO DECAF! EVER!

If the lab door says 'Do not enter', don't.

Unless you are the reason for a blaring alarm, evacuate.

If Clint or Natasha try to convince you to do something "Fun", remember they are crazy people.

Your colleagues can smell fear.

Mongoose are not allowed in the building.

Do not expose monkeys to gamma radiation.

Do not use HQ computers to play MMORPG's.

Don't mess with the PA system.

Don't hit on the lady who runs the armory.

Do not scare new recruits by telling them it's their job to assist you during target practice by wearing targets.

Never take Clint or Natasha someplace they might be surprised by a metal detector. You really don't want to know how many weapons they carry at all times.

No napping on the conference room table.

Clint and Natasha are ninjas.

Fury is a Jedi.

Just because you see someone else doing something does not mean you should try it.

Murphy's Law is real.

If you are injured and are sent to medical, do not try to escape. Attila the nurse will hunt you down and you don't want that.

Don't invent pop culture references to confuse Thor.

Carefully monitor Thor's chocolate consumption.

Never accept a drink from anyone without knowing exactly what is in it.

Spar with Thor or Natasha if you are a masochist.

Do not race rolling office chairs down the halls.

Do not attempt any Mythbuster experiments on the premises.

No climbing the outside of HQ as a training exercise.

Silly string is banned.

Do not harass the awkward weirdos Fury calls his R&D team.

The laws of physics are made to be broken.

Time dilation fields happen.

Alternate universes exist.

Clint carries C-4 with him at all times.

Always have a plan B &C & D…

Super villains can be hot, but they are also crazy and sleeping with them only leads to trouble.

Pick your battles.

If all else fails, duct tape.

Never drink the last of the coffee without putting on a fresh pot.

Do not challenge Thor to a drinking contest.

Do not assume that, just because you are awake at 3:17 AM, anyone else's up.

Tony Stark is a genius.

Do not ask Fury if the eyepatch is a fashion statement.

No prank calling Reed Richards.

Cleanup the break room when you're done.

Do not glitter bomb Coulson.

Do not show Thor movies and tell him they really happened.

No DDR tournaments in the office.

Never assume anything.

When bored, do not fire arrows into the ceiling.

Do not make the cafeteria ladies angry.

Do not tell Johnny Storm he looks like Captain America. His ego is big enough already.

When Hank McCoy is visiting, no static electricity experiments are allowed.

When Charles Xavier is visiting, do not think purposefully dirty thoughts in an attempt to get a reaction out of him. It won't work.

Do not throw magnets at Wolverine to see if they will stick to him. This goes double for the Ironman suit.

Do not piss off the people who work in the PR department. They are almost as scary as Fury.

Never talk to the press alone.

In the event your teammates find themselves gender-swapped, de-aged or turned into an animal, they fully understand your need to take photographic evidence of the event, but reserve the right to fight you for said evidence.

Dave & Busters + Thor, Lady Sif and the Warriors Three… So much chaos.

Do not startle Darcy. She has a taser and is not afraid to use it.

It takes some effort, but it is possible to sneak out of HQ.

Sometimes it's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.

It's always time for tacos. Or doughnuts.

The generic S.H.I.E.L.D. agent is basically an MIB without the memory erasing capabilities.

If you smell smoke…yeah, someone probably blew up a lab again.

You have not chosen a boring career.

Respect is not given, it is earned. To earn respect around here, you had best be all kinds of awesome or you will not survive.

Staring down at the list in his hands, Steve blinked, unsure what to make of it. This hadn't been in the initial orientation package Fury had given him and, from the contents of the list, he could surmise it wasn't any sort of official documentation.

It was fairly amusing though.

Placing a list, in the drawer of his bedside table, Steve wondered when he'd get to meet the author. Whoever it was seemed like the sort of person he'd like for a friend.

Comments, pretty please?


End file.
